If you’ve ever seen one of those cute online videos of a little kid doing affirmations, you know most of us are born thinking we are pretty cool little people.
In fact, decades ago, Robert Fulghum shared in his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten that if you ask an average group of 5-year-olds if they can draw, sing, play an instrument or write poetry, the kids will say yes:
“Their answer is ‘Yes!’ Over and over again, ‘Yes!’ The children are confident in spirit, infinite in resources, and eager to learn. Everything is still possible.
“Try those same questions on a college audience. A small percentage of the students will raise their hands when asked if they draw or dance or sing or paint or act or play an instrument.”
So then, what happens to us?
And is there a way to keep young athletes feeling confident, even through bad days, setbacks, and things like skill loss and mental blocks?
Unfortunately, we can’t protect athletes from negative experiences, but we can equip them with tools to help them navigate the hard stuff.
That’s what mental skills training is all about, and why one of my favorite mental skills to work on with athletes is self-talk.
What Is Self-Talk?
If this term is new to you, don’t worry – I promise it’s not about walking around hyping yourself up for all to hear.
Self-talk is simply how you talk to yourself. Some people also call this your inner voice.
Our inner voice is an incredibly powerful tool if we can harness it correctly, but so many of us walk around in the busyness of our day to day, not paying attention to our inner voice and letting it run a bit wild.
Some of our inner voices are downright cruel – like mean girls who live inside our heads.
The Self-Talk Rule
I like to teach athletes I work with one simple rule when it comes to self-talk:
If you wouldn’t say something to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself, or about yourself.
Sure, sometimes, self-deprecating humor can help us make the most of a bad situation. (Like saying “I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached” when we misplace something.)
But even when we’re joking around, we need to be careful. Because our inner voice is something that gets trained over time.
How The Outside World Influences Our Inner Voice
The other issue we need to be aware of is how easily our inner voice can be influenced by others and what we take in.
When we see those videos of cute kiddos saying such nice things about themselves, they believe those things because the adults around them are teaching them that they are true.
But not all of us have a built-in cheer section in our lives, and so it’s easy for other people’s negative comments, and even stuff like social media comparison to sneak in. Then, before we know it, we start tearing ourselves down with negative self-talk.
I try to tell the athletes that I work with that there is nothing wrong with a little social media now and then, as long as they are able to keep things in perspective, and remember that they are seeing other people’s best and brightest.
The Self-Talk Filter of Truth
I also like to remind athletes that if they have people around them who aren’t being supportive and kind, it’s important to run what those people say through a filter of truth.
When someone says something to them or about them, athletes can ask themselves:
- Is what they said true?
- Is what they said fair?
- Is what they said kind?
- Should this person’s opinion of me or my performance even matter to me?
Those first three questions help us determine if what someone said is intended to be helpful. If not, we know that what they said is unhelpful criticism, and just one person’s opinion.
Next we can ask if that person’s opinion even matters.
Is this person a coach or expert? Are they invested in the athlete’s well-being and overall health? Are they qualified to comment on the athlete’s sport?
And finally, it’s always good to remind athletes how easy it is for people to criticize what they don’t understand.
Theodore Roosevelt has a famous speech called The Man In the Arena which applies here:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
(If this quote is something you identify with, you might really love Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly.)
How Mindfulness Can Help Catch Negative Self-Talk
So once we stop letting other people’s opinions in, the biggest hurdle with self-talk becomes stopping ourselves when our brains start to head off in nasty directions.
Full disclosure here – sometimes, this is just harder than other times.
But practicing meditation, breathing techniques, and other mindfulness exercises can be helpful for keeping us present, and stopping the negative thoughts from taking over.
We can also use the self-talk filter with our own thoughts, asking:
- Is this thought true, or am I exaggerating, or giving too much power to a bad moment or bad day?
- Is this thought kind? Would I say what I am saying to myself to a friend?
- Is this thought fair? Or am I judging myself or my feelings?
Speaking of feelings, emotions rarely last more than 30 minutes. So if you feel yourself spinning, sometimes a positive distraction like painting your nails, cuddling with a pet or watching an episode of a funny show can help.
This grounding exercise can also be effective.
Replacing Negative Self-Talk with Positive Self-Talk
Finally, this is a place where affirmations can come in handy.
Use affirmations (you can just repeat them silently to yourself) to replace the negative feelings with more positive ones.
Here are some to try, and it can be helpful to start a list of affirmations that you identify with in a notebook or in an app on your phone.
- This feeling won’t last.
- I have come so far.
- Everyone has bad days.
- I am strong and capable.
- I know I can figure this out.
- I will get through this.
- I believe in myself.
- I am being kind and gentle with myself.
- I trust myself.
- I’ve got this.
- I am breathing in calm, and breathing out the negativity.
Support for When Negative Self-Talk Feels Overwhelming
Finally, if you or an athlete you know is really struggling with negative self-talk, it can help to talk to a mental health professional, like a counselor, therapist or mental health coach.
Feel free to reach out to schedule a free consultation with me here.
And remember – you are not your negative thoughts.
