In my work as a mental performance coach, I like to ask tween female athletes this simple question:
“Whose voice do you hear the most?”
Answers vary, sometimes it’s “Mom,” sometimes it’s “Coach,” or “My little sister…” sometimes their response goes deep… “God….duh!”
Love it, great answers.
But, I typically will respond with, “What about your own voice?”
Cue the eyerolls.
They know what I’m doing here… oh… trust me, they know.
The Self-Talk Cycle
In grad school I studied self-efficacy and how mental training skills can help build a sense of belief in female youth athletes.
One corner of my research delved deep into self-talk – which even in my 40s is an area of “work” for me and if I’m honest, pretty much everyone I know.
It’s become a part of our nomenclature. “I’m so bad at…” or “I look like a mess…” or “I’ll never be good at that…”
As a coach it can be grating when an athlete is stuck in a negative self-talk cycle.
When I coached figure skating, I simply wanted to jump in and correct. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to move the needle with the behavior, though.
I needed to empower them to change their own behavior.
How Negative Self-Talks Limits Athletes
Just as important, if we ask ourselves WHY that self-talk is happening, we sometimes don’t need to venture too far out of our own brains.
Somewhere along the way it became acceptable to speak horribly to yourself, about yourself, about your talents or lack thereof, about your character and about your life.
Maybe self-deprecation is a defense-mechanism or maybe we think it makes us more approachable?
I don’t know all the research on that aspect, but I do know the research on effective positive self-talk and how it can change our behaviors, our patterns, as well as our overall well-being.
Looking at the cognitive behavioral triangle, we can assess how our thoughts impact our feelings and our feelings impact our behaviors.
Think of a young girl wanting to try out for the middle school basketball team. She’s newer to the sport and she rarely makes a free throw.
“I’m awful at free throws,” she tells herself when she practices at home.
She hates trying them… she backs off and figures it’s better to not try than to try and fail.
We know how this ends… she goes to the tryout and during the scrimmage is fouled. Enter what I call the “voice of doom”…
“I’m really bad at free throws,” she thinks as her muscles tense and distraction floods in.
She misses her shots.
Welp, more proof to that pudding, right? She leaves… defeated.
Breaking Down the Self-Talk 3Cs
A simple and effective strategy that I love to use with athletes is the 3 Cs of self-talk:
- Catch it.
Awareness is the first step. Most young athletes are not even aware of how damaging that voice can be.
- Check it.
Is it even true? How far are we letting this narrative roll? What goodness can you find even if you have to dig?
- Change it.
You have little control in most things in life, but I’ll say it again and again for those in the back… the way you speak to yourself actually IS in your control.
In this part you can also back yourself up – pull from historical data – bring in the FACTS.
Self-Talk 3Cs in Action
Let’s do an example based on our little basketball beauty.
She thinks – “I’m awful at foul shots.”
Here is how to apply the 3Cs of Self-Talk:
- Catch it.
This is where she goes, “Oh man… that was pretty harsh … Coach Kelly said to listen for this kind of negativity.”
What we want here is for her to recognize that this choice of words is not going to help her in this moment… and that she has a choice here… keep going in a negative tail spin… OR…
- Check it. How true is this statement? Is she bad? Is today just a rough practice? Has she had lessons recently on her skills? Does her technique just need a tweak? How many attempts has she even tried? Bad… compared to what?
- Change it.
This is where she gets to CLAP BACK at that rude internal dialogue and stand up for herself:
- “This is challenging for me… today”
- “I think I’m better than last week, but I could use some guidance.”
- “I wonder why I’m not making these shots?”
- “I am an athlete that has a lot to learn, but I know I can do it.”
What she has done here is open up a state of CURIOSITY, not self-destructiveness.
The Value of Getting Curious
It’s great to be curious.
Newsflash – sports are hard – at all ages and at all stages. They take a tremendous amount of cognitive strength and physicality.
What her corrected 3 Cs may get her are some ACTIONS to support her, versus words that penalize her.
Maybe she will realize she could use more lessons, maybe she will practice a bit longer without burning out or avoiding, maybe she will see that her trajectory may have some setbacks… and that is what it’s all about.
We can see that her curiosity has left her more motivated… she realizes something is hard, it needs work, she is in a place now to communicate what she needs to those around her. She is in a place to stay more engaged.
It’s a healthier spot for sure.
Beating the ‘Voice of Doom’
My final note on self-talk:
When I say check it for the truth, don’t lie to yourself on either end of the spectrum.
Saying “I’m the best player in the world,” is not where we are going here. That’s not true as there are players in the world that could outshoot this little peanut any day – but it’s more than that.
We need the brain to believe what we tell ourselves with proof that it’s a solid defense against that negative self-talk.
So, stick to YOUR story. Look to where you’ve been, the hardships you’ve encountered that got you here… what you’ve overcome, why this is a sticking point and what parts of you are worthy of recognition in a positive light?
in general, we are way more accomplished at most things in life than we give ourselves credit for.
I urge you to use this a bit in your own life, no matter your season or your stage – it’s important and like most good habits, starting small will reap rewards that you may not have seen coming.
And if you have a young athlete in your life, share these 3 Cs.
Let’s set up this next generation with a framework that doesn’t allow that “voice of doom” anywhere near their tender hearts.
