Let me start this blog post by saying that I’m infinitely glad that social media did not exist when I was an athlete.
Gosh, the perfectionist and people-pleaser in me would have been locked in on alllll the likes.
Instead, I just focused on dissecting every tiny bit of feedback that was ever offered in real-time.
- “That sounded like they were mad…are they mad?”
- “Did they mean that …or are they just being nice?”
- “Why did one judge love me, and the other one clearly hated it… hated…me?”
- “You look great this season!” (cue me assuming I must have looked awful last season).
Feedback is Information
My friend and mentor Scott Hamilton once told some young female athletes at Camp Ultraviolet that getting feedback is simply getting information.
Then he asked, “How do we know what to do with it?”
If it’s an opinion or a critique of something then it’s up to them to decide if it’s helpful information, or hurtful information.
How was it delivered?
Can we let go of it if it’s not from a trusted source?
When I read about negativity bias in grad school, I had this lightbulb moment:
Is THIS why I could get multiple positive comments as a young athlete, but the one negative comment stuck to my brain like a Post-it note – constantly reminding me to acknowledge it and address it – acting like it was an identifier?
“Hello, I’m ‘Really messy free-leg girl.’”
Young Athletes and Self-Love
So last week, when I had the opportunity to meet with 30 young girls at the Camp Ultraviolet Galentine’s Day Event, I figured we would talk through emotions we may face in sports (and yes, we get to feel them all).
But specifically I wanted to touch on the concept of self-love.
I feel that self-love is a north star when it comes to the strength and resiliency of young athletes.
But when I asked them how they interpret self-love, my jaw hit the floor. To say I was blown away by their responses is an understatement:
“It’s loving yourself so that you can love others too.”
“Respecting yourself and listening to your heart.”
“Loving yourself… even when things are hard.”
“Knowing that you can love ALL parts of yourself.”
Ok…So, they don’t need a Post-it note like 10 year old Kelly? Go, girls!
Where Does Self-Love Go?
But these responses came from pre-teens. Which is important to me because one of the things I studied in depth was how self-efficacy drops in young female athletes as they transition through puberty.
Self-efficacy is slightly different from self-love, but similar in principle…
So where does it go?
There are many contributing factors here, but one thing I found to be consistent is that external pressures and “uncontrollables” start to add up during puberty and teen years.
Changing bodies, comparison (enter social media), raging hormones, rising expectations of parents, coaches, etc., open the doors to allow in doubt and negativity like unwelcome guests at the dinner table.
Practicing self-love in a sport where you are judged and critiqued in your teen years is almost like trying to climb a mountain with someone holding your legs.
It’s… really difficult. Add aesthetic sports to the mix, add performance sports… self-love can easily get cast aside when that feedback is inconsistent, negative, and potentially keeping you from achieving your goals.
Separating Sports Skills from Whole Identity
Take, for example, one of the older teens I used to coach, and the endless frustration she felt when as a high school junior she had to take the same skating test countless times.
She would pass by one judge, only to get a “retry” from the two others.
Where does the self-love go when dedication to a sport is life-altering and changes the course? When you make choices that are high-stakes because they impact more than just you? How do you respond with self-love when you doubt that you have what it takes?
After five or six tries at this same song and dance she came to me with tears in her eyes and said, “I don’t get it. I’m good enough for some, but not good enough for others… don’t they know how hard I’m trying?”
No, sweet girl, they don’t.
They don’t know how you’re balancing your skating with an insanely rigorous academic schedule. They don’t know that your parents work incredibly long hours to pay for your skating. They don’t know that you have said “no” to many fun regular high school opportunities so you could come to practice instead.
They don’t know the endless hours you’ve spent training… the aches and pains you’ve skated through…the mental and physical load this test has taken.
That isn’t how the sport works.
Judges see the skills in the moment, it’s hard for them to see YOU.
Self-Love = A Protective Shield
Without some self-love and infinite grace, sports can really kick us down.
I think of self-love as a protective shield of truth.
Remind your athlete that IF they know who they are, they know deep within that they have what it takes.
When sports get to that friction point where self-doubt and negative self-talk are winning… then they’ve dropped their shield. They need to go pick it up and head back into battle.
What we could also remind our athletes is that as you get further along, the battles get harder… the hope is to fight smarter.
Maintaining Self-Love AND Personal Identity as an Athlete
As I think about next steps for Camp Ultraviolet, I’m reminded that young girls can articulate exactly what self-love is – give examples of how to practice it – and are able to see the beauty in a sport (skating) that can often chew up a precious athlete and spit them out.
So the thread of self-love is there… but it needs to be woven into sports and into the hearts of athletes of all ages, and brought to the surface to keep it from getting tangled in the teens.
I don’t want that thread to fray… I want it to flourish.
Let’s remind our athletes, remind ourselves, that it’s not anyone’s job to please and impress everyone.
Negative feedback and negative opinions will always be there… but shield up…you can walk through them, and leave them to rot in your wake.
I feel as though I hear this phrase more and more often – and I’m a big, big, fan:
“Sports are what you do, they are not who you are.”
Athletes are more than athletes. Yes… they are brothers and sisters, children, parents, students, employees, entrepreneurs, artists, change-makers, leaders, doers, creators and the list goes on.
No matter how far they go, no matter the awards, the accolades, the scholarships, the offers… they are enough just as they are.
They can love sports, they can swim in the biggest pools and experience the highest peaks… but it’s most important that above all else, they love themselves.
If I could pass 10-year-old Kelly a Post-it, it would read:
“Hi, I’m Kelly. I love skating, but I’m way more than a skater.”
